For as long as human kind has existed, men (and I suppose some women) have grown beards for many reasons. They've grown them for competition and sport. They've grown them for warmth and protection from harsh winters and cold nights. They've grown them to impress women (and sometimes other men). They've grown them to win bets. They've grown them because they lost bets. But most importantly, for the last five hundred years** they've grown them to amuse themselves and inspire Internet fodder.
**not historically accurate
I, for one, fit into the rich tradition that embodies the latter category. I also may argue the warmth angle, but who cares, honestly... I've always wanted to see how long I could grow my beard ever since I started being able to grow one, at the tender young age of 24 (I know, lucky me, right?). I have now found my limit. Until ARTTM goes through our trippy, making-records-in-India Beatles phase, I think this is the longest you will ever see hair extend from my face. For that, I think we can all be thankful. So now, without further ado, i present to you all the rebirth of a man, and the devolution of a beard.
Phase 1: The Iron & Wine aka the Rock Bottom aka The "Sorry but I have a Boyfriend..."
Phase 2: The Lemmy aka The General.
Phase 3: The Crazy Uncle aka The Tractor Pull.
Phase 4: The "Should've Kept Phase 3" aka Skinny Burns.
Phase 5: The Nugent aka The Randy Johnson
Phase 6: The Foxworthy aka "The Stache my Dad had my whole Childhood."
Phase 7: The Swanson aka "The High School Girls Basketball Coach."
Phase 8: Back to normal! aka The Stud Muffin (okay, I may have taken some liberty on that one).
Thanks for putting up with my nonsense.